When the curtain is pulled back a little too far in the ever-changing world of celebrity interviews, not only do the stars’ quirks and cringe-worthy humanness become apparent, but so does their enigmatic charm.

Megan Fox’s interview with Stephen Marche in Esquire was nothing short of a bizarre, puzzling, and utterly cringeworthy conversation.

The Over-the-Top Descriptions of Megan Fox’s Beauty

Megan Fox

To capture Fox’s allure, Marche goes on a poetic adventure that leaves no room for nuance. She has a complexion that he compares to “the moon possesses in the thin air of northern winters,” a statement that could make fans squint in confusion.

“[Her skin is] the color the moon possesses in the thin air of northern winters.”

The writer then calls her a “bombshell,” which hints at a bygone era but still fits her perfectly.

“Megan Fox is a bombshell. To be a bombshell in 2013 is to be an antiquity, an old-world relic, like movie palaces or fountain pens or the muscle cars of the 1970s or the pinball machines in the basement. Bombshells once used to roam the cultural landscape like buffalo, and like buffalo, they were edging toward extinction.”

Marche compliments her symmetrical features and calls the harmony of her face “genuinely shocking.” The writer must have been as taken aback by the perfect symmetry as a cartoon character would be.

The Bizarre Aztec Metaphor

Megan Fox

Marche attempts to give more context to the interview by comparing Megan Fox to a ritual sacrifice in Aztec culture. Fox’s celebrity lifestyle is alluded to in passing as he details a young man’s year of excess before the latter willingly sacrifices himself.

Readers may wonder if they’ve stumbled into an ancient history class rather than a celebrity profile due to the comparison. The fact that Megan Fox agrees with the metaphor makes things even stranger.

The Fame vs. Bullying Conundrum

Megan Fox

Then comes the parallel nobody saw coming. Megan Fox compares the perils of celebrity to those of being bullied. Her argument that being famous on a global scale is like being bullied by millions diminishes the gravity of actual bullying experiences.

“‘I don’t think people understand. They all think we should shut the fuck up and stop complaining because you live in a big house or you drive a Bentley. So your life must be so great. What people don’t realize is that fame, whatever your worst experience in high school, when you were being bullied by those ten kids in high school, fame is that, but on a global scale, where you’re being bullied by millions of people constantly.’”

It’s an argument-starting comparison that leaves readers puzzled and wondering how the author could be so heartless.

Megan Fox’s Eclectic Beliefs

Megan Fox

Marche delves deep into the psyche of Megan Fox, leaving readers with their jaws on the floor and a distinct feeling of the surreal.

“I have seen magical, crazy things happen. I’ve seen people be healed. Even now, in the church I go to, during praise and worship I could feel that I was maybe getting ready to speak in tongues.”

Fox’s diverse set of beliefs, which include the existence of magical flutes, healing powers, and extraterrestrial life, are indicative of her one-of-a-kind outlook. She loves myths and legends and wishes to become an archaeologist to learn their secrets.

Photoshop Mishaps and Fame’s Elusive Escape

Megan Fox

As the interview continues on an emotional roller coaster, the author does not hesitate to point out a Photoshop blunder on the magazine cover. Fox claims she wants to be left alone, but then she keeps popping up on magazine covers, enjoying the very fame she decries.

Fox’s desire to succeed in the face of fame’s obstacles is linked symbolically to the ancient story of Noah’s flight from a corrupt world. It’s a strange and disquieting way to end the interview, making one wonder if they’ve stumbled upon a cryptic puzzle instead.